Today, at a restaurant, I was joking around trying to make my friend laugh by pretending to be a ninja. I did this by putting my napkin in front of my face. I happened to look over at another table and saw that a lady wearing a burqa was giving me the most evil glare I have ever seen in my life. FML
Today, I had to go along with my mom to meet some of her old friends from high school. When they asked her about how her life was going, she said she was married, always traveling, no kids, and introduced me as the neighbor’s kid she babysits. FML
Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was “ok.” He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was – for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he told me I was the love of his life. Afterwards, he clarified his statement. I was the love of his life, because I was in his life at that moment. FML
Today, we returned from our honeymoon and went to see my parents. I noticed my dad had cut his hair really short so I said “Dad, what have you done to your hair?” He looked at my husband standing next to me, then looked me in the eye and said “What have you done to your life?” and walked away. FML
Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was on the toilet. FML
Today, upon going to the dermatologist, I was informed that the stress-induced acne cyst underneath my left eye may never fully go away. I will possibly have a zit-looking lump on my face for the rest of my life, and it could flare up when I’m stressed. I still have four years of college. FML
Today, my new neighbors moved in. When I went over to welcome them, I discovered that they were my parents. They made a cross-country trip so they could move in next-door to “make sure I wasn’t making bad decisions with my life”. I’m 27 and married. FML
Today, I found out that I am seriously allergic to eggs, all dairy, and gluten. I’m a vegetarian because meat gives me intense stomach pain. Now I can only eat rice, fruit, vegetables, and grains for the rest of my life, unless I want to be in excruciating pain. I am 17 years old. FML
Today, I found out the closest thing I had in my life as a true friend is the stray cat that keeps scratching at my door in the morning for food. I’m 36. FML