Posts Tagged ‘life’

Today, as I was proposing to the love of my life in the park, a bird shat on the ring. FML

Today, I saw a naked man for the first time in my life. It was the nude model in my art class. I was forced to draw wrinkles and fat rolls in places I didn’t even know existed. FML

Today, I experienced the most pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

Today, I have come to the point in my life where I need to Google how to stop excessive back sweat. FML

Today, it’s almost a month to the day until my best friend gets married to the love of her life. This morning, I woke up naked next to the groom. FML

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the “expensive” store. FML

Today, I’ve gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local pizza hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I’ve already received 16 calls. FML

Today, my dad told me he doesn’t care if I die, as long as he can have the 100,000 dollars from my life insurance. My dad sees profit in my death. FML

Today, I got the worst sunburn I’ve ever had in my life, and then discovered I’m allergic to aloe when I went to treat the burn with some gel. FML

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I’m 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I’m dreaming of Pokémon. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he’d resolved all the issues with his ex and is getting back together with her. Normally I could tolerate this if it weren’t for the fact that I just moved to a different country to live with him, and turned down a university and a scholarship. FML

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: “Hello, this is Joyce. I’m not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it’s Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch.” I’m Sophie. FML

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

Today, I came across an old man sitting on the pavement with a bottle of beer in one hand. He was crying. I thought I would be a good Samaritan and see if he was okay. After 15 minutes of hearing about how much his life sucked, he mugged me. FML