Posts Tagged ‘manager’

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter’s first word is “FUCK!” FML

Today, as I was running from the cops I jumped behind a bush to hide. Turns out it was a massive thorn bush. I later had the most painful shower I have ever experienced. FML

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he’ll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as ‘cutie’ or ‘beautiful’ so many times she won’t respond to her own name. FML

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won’t be getting laid in about a month or two. FML

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the “Things I Can Do When I’m Mad” book I’d given him. FML

Today, I asked my parents if I can go to the Virgin Islands with my friend and her parents since I’m only 16. My brother immediately said, “Don’t you have to be a virgin to go there? You’re not” with a smirk. I won’t be going anywhere for a while. FML

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won’t stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

Today, my manager told me that she’d realized while she was in the shower that she is too pregnant to shave her vagina. FML

Today, I had to go to the doctor to get a barbie shoe removed from my nose. I’m a 19 year old guy. FML

Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would “leak” through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML.