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Tags archives: money
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Today, I beat my extremely competitive friend in a game of pool. He responded by breaking a pool stick over my head. FML
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Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She’s perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It’s under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML
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Today, I recieved a slip through my door saying that the package I’d ordered couldn’t be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML
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Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying “You know, you chew like a cow.” FML
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Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped my butt. A man as old as my dad drove by, yelled “Wooo, spank that ass! DAMN!” and kept leering at me before finally driving off. FML
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Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML
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Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I’m from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, “Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob.” FML
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Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML
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Today, I find out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML
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Today, my little brother gave me a candy bar for my birthday. After I ate the entire thing, he told me it was Ex-Lax and that I needed it because I’m “so full of sh!t”. FML
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Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my “wife’s” pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she’s the “other woman”. FML
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Today, I went to visit my sister, who lives lives four hours away from me. I’d only just sat down on their couch when her husband told me I needed to leave so they could have sex. FML
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Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML
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