Posts Tagged ‘morning’

Today, my boyfriend tried to climb up to my third story window in the early hours of the morning. Just before he got to the top, he slipped and fell to the ground. My dad had to drive him to the hospital at 3am. FML

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

Today, my 45 year old mother came home from a party at 4 in the morning. I’m 16 and went to bed at 8pm last night. FML

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

Today, I was going to pretend to be ill to stay home from school to finish a project that was due today. Ironically, this morning my alarm clock woke me with the song ‘I Feel Fine.’ My superstitious parents saw it as a sign and sent me to school. FML

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

Today, I found out that my dog is so lazy, she doesn’t even get out of my bed in the morning to poop. FML

Today, I found out I’m pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been dying to have kids together. This would be an exciting moment if he wasn’t deploying in June and will miss everything except the morning sickness. FML

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, deciding I felt much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

Today, I was talking to the guy I have been dating on and off for the past year about where our relationship was going. His response was, “I can’t think of anything worse than waking up in the morning and realising I have a girlfriend.” FML

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn’t wash my hands afterward. FML