Posts Tagged ‘mouth’

Today, I managed to multitask too much at work. I turned around, adjusted my glasses, swept hair out of my face, and blinked. In the process I walked into my manager, causing me to simultaneously punch myself in the mouth. FML

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

Today, while driving at work, the fire extinguisher under my seat went off filling the cab with fire suppressing powder. My boots are yellow, my eyes still burn and I can’t get that nasty taste out of my mouth. FML

Today, I was flirting with my cute Orthodontist and thanked her for getting my mind off of work. Being smooth, I said, “Yeah, it’s hard to focus with you in my mouth.” So much for that. FML

Today, I worked up the courage at lunch to sit next to the girl I’ve been in love with for 3 years. Everything was going great. That is, until I sneezed and my retainer shot out my mouth, and landed in her lap. FML

Today, my severe asthma and allergies got worse. Any time I sneeze or cough, I get dizzy, light headed, start to see stars, and throw up a little in my mouth. My doctor says this will most likely be a permanent effect. FML

Today, I was getting off with someone for the first time. I came in my pants as soon as my tongue went in her mouth. FML

Today, I was sitting on my couch watching a movie with my girlfriend, she was eating Doritos. I lean over to give her a kiss, and instead of kissing me back, she decides it would be hilarious to blow half-chewed Dorito mush into my mouth. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over. I got my wisdom teeth taken out about a week ago, so the stitches were still in. When my boyfriend arrived we started to have an intense make-out session. He accidentally pulled out my stitches. I ended up bleeding profusely in his mouth. FML

Today, it’s my Nana’s birthday and to say she is having a good time is an understatement. She’s so drunk, she took out her false teeth tried to put them in her dog’s mouth. When she failed, she tried the cat’s, dropped them in her wine, and then had a go at stuffing them in my mouth. FML