Posts Tagged ‘mouth’

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

Today, my mom insisted on putting sunscreen on me. I closed my eyes and shut my mouth while she rubbed some on my face. Halfway through, I burped. I opened my mouth just in time to get a large glob of sunscreen in it. FML

Today, I bought a new bottle of mouth wash. After brushing my teeth, I took a swig of it and spit it out in the sink. I felt a burning in my mouth and then read the label “never mix with salt.” My toothpaste is salt based. FML

Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML

Today, my sister was bored and started swinging a golf club around her head. I had to ask her a question, and thinking once she heard my voice she’d put the club down, I walked towards her. She hit me straight in the mouth with the putter, knocking my front teeth out. FML

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn’t close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn’t see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought ejaculating in my mouth while I was sleeping would be beneficial to my health. Apparently I was snoring too loudly. I’m definitely not snoring anymore. FML

Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I’m allergic to the cough drops I’ve been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML

Today, my boyfriend got up out of bed to use the restroom. When he returned, he came to give me a kiss while I was half-asleep. When he stuck his tongue in my mouth, I was overwhelmed by a rancid taste. Turns out, he had just thrown up and wanted a kiss to make him feel better. FML

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her “Get the f*ck off my skis!” Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be hilarious to shave off his pubes and stick them in my mouth while I was sleeping. FML

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called “Double Satisfaction”. The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were “Double Orgasm”. FML

Today, after years of braces and dental surgeries, I got my braces off. I felt fine, so I decided to take a walk in the park. A man was playing Frisbee with his dog, and everything was great until the Frisbee slammed into my mouth, knocking out my two front teeth. FML