FML Today » mouth

footfood says FML

admin — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:57:56 +0000

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

Unberable says FML

admin — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 23:12:44 +0000

Today, my mom insisted on putting sunscreen on me. I closed my eyes and shut my mouth while she rubbed some on my face. Halfway through, I burped. I opened my mouth just in time to get a large glob of sunscreen in it. FML

lax bro says FML

admin — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 11:21:27 +0000

Today, I bought a new bottle of mouth wash. After brushing my teeth, I took a swig of it and spit it out in the sink. I felt a burning in my mouth and then read the label “never mix with salt.” My toothpaste is salt based. FML

ninalian says FML

admin — Sun, 22 May 2011 10:29:25 +0000

Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML

gummy says FML

admin — Sat, 07 May 2011 00:10:22 +0000

Today, my sister was bored and started swinging a golf club around her head. I had to ask her a question, and thinking once she heard my voice she’d put the club down, I walked towards her. She hit me straight in the mouth with the putter, knocking my front teeth out. FML

partygirl says FML

admin — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 22:14:27 +0000

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn’t close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn’t see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

tmw says FML

admin — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 16:39:14 +0000

Today, my boyfriend thought ejaculating in my mouth while I was sleeping would be beneficial to my health. Apparently I was snoring too loudly. I’m definitely not snoring anymore. FML

Rawrssa says FML

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 08:12:16 +0000

Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I’m allergic to the cough drops I’ve been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML

NeedListerine says FML

admin — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 16:53:02 +0000

Today, my boyfriend got up out of bed to use the restroom. When he returned, he came to give me a kiss while I was half-asleep. When he stuck his tongue in my mouth, I was overwhelmed by a rancid taste. Turns out, he had just thrown up and wanted a kiss to make him feel better. FML

duncanisgey says FML

admin — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:55:29 +0000

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

elfy2 says FML

admin — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 07:51:08 +0000

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

bitchyskier says FML

admin — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 00:16:10 +0000

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her “Get the f*ck off my skis!” Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

PubeMouth says FML

admin — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 09:34:52 +0000

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be hilarious to shave off his pubes and stick them in my mouth while I was sleeping. FML

theshameofit says FML

admin — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 22:50:28 +0000

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called “Double Satisfaction”. The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were “Double Orgasm”. FML

alliwantforxmas says FML

admin — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 09:31:28 +0000

Today, after years of braces and dental surgeries, I got my braces off. I felt fine, so I decided to take a walk in the park. A man was playing Frisbee with his dog, and everything was great until the Frisbee slammed into my mouth, knocking out my two front teeth. FML

lovecrisis247 says FML

admin — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 16:55:56 +0000

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, “I clean shit for a living.” FML

captFML says FML

admin — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 01:18:54 +0000

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn’t notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

pukathlon says FML

admin — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 22:11:18 +0000

Today, I was taking the bus back to my university campus, having left work early feeling sick. While on the bus I started retching. I managed to hold it in for a while, but as I stood up to get off the bus, I started puking through my mouth and nose. This was in front of twenty other passengers. FML

Snotwhatitseems says FML

admin — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 22:46:07 +0000

Today, I wasn’t feeling well, but went to work anyway. At our weekly staff meeting, I sneezed so hard that not only did I let out a loud wet fart, but mucus shot between my fingers as I covered my mouth. It landed on the face of my two year crush. He was so disgusted, he screamed a little and retched. FML

stickyface says FML

admin — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 11:45:32 +0000

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn’t make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML