Posts Tagged ‘night’

Today, I woke up in bed after staying the night at my boyfriend’s for the first time. We’d had amazing sex that night, so I woke him up by telling him how much I had enjoyed it. He replied with, “Oh my God you snore like a man, let me get some fucking sleep.” FML

Today, I went to my boyfriend’s house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

Today, after 3 years of faithful service, I was fired for “getting drunk on the job”. I acted strangely and had strange speech while falling asleep during a meeting because I had 2 hours of sleep the night before. I haven’t touched alcohol in 14 years. FML

Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I’d forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

Today, my father got drunk as per usual. I also woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom; in my still-sleeping haze, I sat on a toilet seat covered in his piss. This isn’t the first time this has happened. FML

Today I realized by boyfriend only asks me to come spend the night when he needs me to wake him up in the morning. FML

Today, I woke up lying on top of my car, naked, in the rain, with about seven people laughing at me. According to my mum, I’ve started sleepwalking. She found me in the middle of the night, but left me out there because she thought it was funny. FML

Today, I slept over at my girlfriend’s house for the first time. I have a tendency to talk in my sleep. According to her, I sat bolt upright in bed in the middle of the night and loudly declared “THE BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED!”, laid down and went back to sleep. FML

Today, I woke up from a serious night of drinking to find that I had shit on the floor in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I spent the night at my girlfriend’s place. She thinks it’s hilarious to make fun of. FML

Today, when I woke up I was really thirsty. I had a can of soda next to me from the night before so I decided to take a sip. What I failed to notice before I drank was that there was a ton of ants crawling around in the can. I swallowed most of them. FML