Posts Tagged ‘old-son’

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

Today, my nineteen year old son asked me if unicorns were real. I sarcastically responded, “No, they went extinct in the 1400s.” Disappointed, he said, “Oh, what a shame.” He seriously believes unicorns exist. FML

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, “Shut it, bitch!” FML

Today, I went shopping with my son. When I passed by the alarm gates, they rang. It came to my attention that my five year old son stuck an anti-theft device in his pants. Security thinks I tried to have him shoplift for me. FML

Today, my six year old son was blabbering on in the back-seat of the car when he told me that older women like to be told that they are young. After hearing this and responding, “Oh, really?” he said “Yes,” and then told me that I looked like I was “twelve years old.” FML

Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said “Oh my god I’m sorry! I thought this was the women’s washroom.” It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

Today, while I was in the doctors they told me that me and my son needed a shot, I went first to show my son that it wouldnt hurt and shots were not something to be afraid of. When they gave me my shot I started crying. My four year old son handles pain better than his 29 year old mom. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend’s house to meet his family when I saw the liver steak for dinner. Ew. I saw that the window was open, so when everybody left the dinner room to answer a call from grandma I decided to toss mine out the window. The window wasn’t open, just very clean. FML

Today, after a great night of sexual pleasure, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ”Hi, I’m your neighbor. My seven year old son’s bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?” FML

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, “We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw”. When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud “What’s Chew and Screw?”. FML