Posts Tagged ‘pants’

Today, my boyfriend came before I’d even unbuttoned my pants. FML

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment’s laundry machines to me, I blurted out, “It’s okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads”. FML

Today, I got some really bad mosquitoe bites on the outside of my thighs. They were itching and my jeans were preventing me from scratching them so I unbuttoned my pants and had my hand stuck down my leg scratching. My mom walked in and won’t believe I wasn’t masturbating. FML

Today, my boyfriend was making out with me. He put his hand down my pants and started to finger me. After a few minutes he said, “You’re hard to get wet.” I guess he didn’t know his fingers were up my ass. FML

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I’d lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn’t until much later that I realised I hadn’t lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she’d come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn’t want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said “you know you can’t wash and reuse these.” FML

Today, my mom called me and said, “I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants.” I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

Today, I was in a desperate rush to go to the toilet. My phone fell out of my pocket and slid under the door when I pulled down my pants. I decided to postpone my activity and retrieve my phone. I opened the door, only to see a kid power-walk out, my phone nowhere to be seen. I then pissed myself. FML

Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn’t get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, “You’re blocking the TV.” FML