Posts Tagged ‘paper’

Today, as a means of getting over my abusive ex, I decided to write his name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. As I lit the paper up, I noticed the marker ink had bled through it. The paper is gone, but his name is forever engraved on my desk. FML

Today, I tried to open the research paper I’ve been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can’t be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

Today, I egged my teacher’s house because she gave me a D on my paper. It turned out that she was at the neighbor’s across the street and saw the whole thing. Now she is making me do all her dirty chores and housework for 3 weeks or else she will fail me. FML

Today, I found out that my next door neighbour doesn’t just get his paper in the nude. He reads it while scratching his ass outside. FML

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, “I’m sorry, but I’m gay.” Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

Today, I went skiing. A snowboarder fell in front of me, forcing me to swerve around him, off of a cliff into sharp rocks and trees. I actually managed to break a rock with my face. He snowboarded away, smiling. FML

Today, I told my parents that for the past few weeks I’ve noticed a car has been pulling into our driveway, stopping, and backing out. I thought someone was watching us. When I told my parents, my dad laughed and my mom said “that’s the paper delivery guy.” FML

Today, I spent five hours typing a letter to a Norwegian client. I then took a quick nap after the hard work. When I woke up, I found my paper in weird English. It turns out my girlfriend wanted to do me a favor and correct the words with the “red wavy lines.” She was kind enough to save. FML

Today, I received a rejection letter from a company I interviewed with three weeks ago. They didn’t mention giving my $200 portfolio back. Guess I’ll keep using my 4-year degree to wait tables. FML

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn’t seen in 8 years. FML

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

Today, I realized how much I’m on the computer. At school I tried to “CTRL+Z” on something I wrote down on my paper. FML

Today, while working as a parking booth attendant I decided to be nice and offer a woman free parking. I said, “give me a high five and I’ll give you free parking since I already did the paper work.” She said, “I’d rather pay,” with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paper work. FML

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML