Posts Tagged ‘parents’

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can’t return it. FML

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

Today, while sneaking in back home, I thought I’d set the burglar alarm, like my parents always yell at me to do. I guess they changed the password, because it started beeping like a banshee. FML

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn’t her… Thanks dad. FML

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I’m now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don’t change our minds and stay together. FML

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don’t know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents’ house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

Today, my parents grounded me and took away my phone, iPod and door. That’s right, my door. They think that because I was stumbling and couldn’t walk straight last night, I must have been out drinking. They know I suffer from chronic vertigo, but don’t believe I was having an attack. FML

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

Today, I overheard my parents having sex, I wouldn’t have cared as much, if I wasn’t sleeping in the same room. FML

Today, I skipped school and stayed home without telling my parents. Well, apparently Mom comes home on her lunch break with another man and has sex in our livingroom. I’m stuck in my room, listening to my mom cheat on my dad. FML

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were ‘bored’. FML

Today, I was listening to my sons teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as “A model student”. However, she then went on to say, “Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash.” FML