Posts Tagged ‘parents-were’

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn’t collect me is apparently because I’ve “gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you”. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend’s parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

Today, my teacher in my Catholic high school found out my parents are getting a divorce. She spent the rest of the morning explaining to the class why my parents were going to hell and how they were going to suffer. FML

Today, my parents were talking about money and I jokingly said we should put my little brother up for adoption to save on food. They said I should be put up for adoption since I eat so much. I was kidding. They weren’t. FML

Today, I was having right knee surgery and had to painfully drive myself. Why? My parents were supposed to pick me up, but they wanted to stop for breakfast first. FML

Today, my parents met my fiancée’s parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad’s story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

Today, I woke up surrounded by several people. I soon realized that my parents were hosting a party. I slept on the couch, naked, and under a white blanket. They didn’t bother waking me. FML

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn’t know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

Today, both my parents were at work so I was home alone. My boyfriend had wanted to surprise me and take me out to lunch. He found me dancing on my kitchen table singing “Like a Virgin” at the top of my lungs. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex on her bed while her parents were out. They came home and her dad opened the bedroom door to find me naked on top of his youngest daughter. Her family now call me “cheeks”, refering to my naked ass her dad got to see. FML

Today, my science class had a substitute teacher. When she started doing roll call and called out my name, she wouldn’t believe that a girl could be named Devon, and accused me of covering for another student. I was given detention, and my parents were called and told about my “disruptive behaviour”. FML

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom’s room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I’ve hooked up with, and how when I say I’m going over to my friend Beth’s house, I’m really seeing a guy. FML

Today, I received a message from front desk that my concerned father is trying to contact me. I call only to hear that my parents were freaking out that I wasn’t answering my phone. They saw me 9 hours ago. They were going to call the police. I’m in college and also don’t live with them anymore. FML

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 mins of him describing how beautiful she is and how much we look alike and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn’t freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML