Posts Tagged ‘past’

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I’ve been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those “cubbyholes” are urinals. FML

Today, I noticed that for the past 20 minutes my dog has been eating all the cat shit that has been hidden in the backyard, and has now barfed it back out all over the living room floor. FML

Today, my parents haven’t talked to me for the past week. I then receive an email from them saying that they can’t support my lifestyle in college because I was in a few pictures with beer bottles, and told me not to come home. FML

Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I’m allergic to the cough drops I’ve been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML

Today, I found out that my sister, who’s claimed for the past six years to be lesbian, has become straight. She’s now dating the guy that I’ve liked for two years. FML

Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son’s bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a “pet” for the past week. FML

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn’t taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I’ve been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn’t notice that part. FML

Today, I was talking to the guy I have been dating on and off for the past year about where our relationship was going. His response was, “I can’t think of anything worse than waking up in the morning and realising I have a girlfriend.” FML

Today, I was talking to the man I’ve been dating for the past three months about having an actual relationship. His response was “I like you, but you’re everything I hate in a female.” FML

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for “pain in the a**”. FML

Today, I discovered that for the past 4 years my mother has been slipping meat into my food because she thinks my vegetarianism is a “stupid hippie fad.” FML

Today, I went to a benefit lunch. I have been making my own perfume for the past year and everyone says it smells amazing. So I chose to wear the perfume to the lunch. When I got to the event, the man at the door said “The event is indoors, you know? So you don’t have to wear bug spray.” FML

Today, I was at the doctors office after throwing up for the past week. My diagnosis? Apparently I’m the first pregnant man. After about minutes of freaking out and explaining on how it was possible, he then told me he was joking and that I’m fine, but my reaction was best thus far. FML

Today, I was called 15 times by a “good redneck boy” that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

Today, my stalker – an annoying guy who’s dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn – somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML