Posts Tagged ‘phone’

Today, I got an app that talks to me. I’ve been making it say romantic things to me. I’m forcing my phone to hit on me so I can feel wanted. FML

Today, my parents reported the car we share stolen because I wasn’t answering my phone. I wasn’t answering my phone because I was at the cinema. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he left his phone at my house. After an hour of searching, I decided to call it. It rang, and I got to it first. The caller ID was a picture of me, but not my name. The person who called his phone was named dumb b*tch. FML

Today, hoping to avoid the rain, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. I had just gotten an expensive perm and was holding my phone. FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. I have been a state away from her for about three weeks now, and she happened to be with her parents at the time. I told her to tell them I said “Hi!” Their response was that they “hope his plane crashes.” FML

Today, I lost my job because I was late. I was late because I had no alarm. I had no alarm because my roommate got mad and broke my phone when I beat her at scrabble. FML

Today, I got a call from an unfamiliar number. They had found my phone number on a five dollar bill saying ‘call me’ on it. I later found out that my guy friend has been putting my number on every bill he has. My phone won’t stop ringing. FML

Today, I was at church when my two teenage daughters decided to spam my phone. Everyone was staring at me. I couldn’t turn it off because every time I tried, a text would pop up. Why did they do this? I refused to buy them both $150 sweatshirts. FML

Today, my mom told me to go between the mattresses of her bed and give my sister back her cell phone that she’d confiscated. I found the phone, but only after I found all my mom’s pleasuring devices. FML

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn’t paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML