Posts Tagged ‘police’

Today, I woke up to the sound of a suburban crashing through my fence and striking the tree in my front yard. After filling out the police report, the driver repeatedly asked me to give him a lift to work. He seemed confused by my speechlessness. FML

Today, my dog started limping as we were walking home. I thought she’d hurt herself, so I picked her up and carried her home. Once we arrived, I put her down, at which point she ran around and played as if nothing had happened. I fell for my lazy dog’s plan to get me to carry her home. FML

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I’m way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don’t return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

Today, I had to take two buses home from a friend’s house. After waiting in the cold for the second bus for 40 minutes, it finally came and I realized that I’d left my wallet on the first bus. It took me 2 hours to walk home and I was locked out because my house key is attached to my wallet. FML

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

Today, our school started an anti-bullying policy, and we watched a video about bullying. After the video, I told a teacher about a bullying case going on that I know about. His response? “Tell someone who cares” as he walked away chuckling. FML

Today, while sneaking in back home, I thought I’d set the burglar alarm, like my parents always yell at me to do. I guess they changed the password, because it started beeping like a banshee. FML

Today, I was giving a joint presentation at work outlining recent market shifts. My boss stopped me, said the speech sounded familiar, and asked if I had plagiarised a co-worker’s presentation from last year. Before I could deny it, my partner admitted everything. FML

Today, I came home to find my dad’s mid-life crisis has finally started. He’s blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he’s been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML

Today, my engagement ring was seized by the police, and my fiancé was arrested on larceny charges. Both in the same visit. FML

Today, at 2am, I heard a strange sound coming from the hallway. I walked over, only to discover my drunk boyfriend pissing in the closet. On my favorite shoes. FML

Today, I received a notice that I am being sued by the burglar the police found outside my house after he had slipped and fallen off my roof while trying to get into a second story window. He is suing for injuries he sustained from trying to stand on my “improperly” secured gutters. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss’s house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I’m a jackass. FML

Today, I got detention for being out of class for half an hour with an upset stomach, pushing lead logs out of my butt. Apparently, the teacher thought I was skipping class. FML