Today, my boyfriend of five years proposed to me in front of my entire family. He later confessed that it was part of a dare with his friends because, “There was no way you’d say yes.” Guess who has to explain this to all my relatives? FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went out for ice cream. We somehow started talking about which of our relatives had died. Right when she was talking about how her grandfather had died, I started laughing. She had gotten ice cream all over her face. She broke up with me. FML
Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML
Today, I addressed the invites for my wedding. I was almost done, when he called and told me that some of the names were misspelled. There goes $500 in invites, not to mention that I’m apparently marrying a man too dumb to spell his relatives’ names right. FML
Today, I woke up and noticed my son was not in his bedroom. Thinking he had ran away, I reported him missing and called all my relatives. After 3 hours, my son walked in the door. He was at his friends house where I dropped him off last night. My 14 year old told me to lay off the vodka. FML