Posts Tagged ‘road’

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say “Can you hold my hand?” I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she’d asked me to hold her bag. We didn’t say another word after that. FML

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the bonnet of my dads car. FML

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said “Keep your eyes on the road” that distracted me. FML

Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet’s fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML

Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML

Today, while driving, I instinctively swerved to avoid a banana peel in the road. The police officer who pulled me over and wrote me a ticket for careless driving didn’t understand my explanation. Thanks MarioKart. FML

Today, I got hit by a car at a crosswalk. The drivers excuse was “She blended in with the road, so I couldn’t see her.” I was wearing a neon pink shirt. FML

Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won’t talk to me because this is ‘the first step on the road of domestic violence’. FML

Today, I was driving behind an old man who was driving on the shoulder of the road. Thinking it was a dangerous situation, I went around him. Then he hit me, causing me to hit the person in front of me and in turn crunching my hood and back bumper. So much for avoiding a dangerous situation. FML

Today, I was speeding a little on the highway. I thought I saw a police car, so I slammed on my brakes, causing the person behind me to rear end me. The “police car” I saw was just a broken down car on the side of the road. FML

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of no where. Don’t worry, I didn’t hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML

Today, I was driving down the road with my windows down when a wasp flew in through the window, stinging me in the face. I’m highly allergic to wasps. While flailing about, a cop saw and pulled me over and gave me a ticket for reckless driving while half of my face was swelling up. FML