Posts Tagged ‘roommate’

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat’s very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she’d left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

Today, my roommate told me he was moving out via a pee-written message on the wall. FML

Today, I woke up in my school dorm bunk bed. As I stretched my arms from a good night’s sleep, a cold, limp hand smacked me in the face. I let out a loud scream which woke up my roommate. The hand was my own. FML

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

Today, I learned an important life lesson: if you smell something burning, don’t assume your roommate is cooking. It could be your kettle is in the midst of an electrical fire. FML

Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she’s getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels “harassed”. I’m the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I’ve been out of work for three weeks. I’ve applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

Today, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that I have extremely severe arachnophobia. I ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500. FML

Today, I walked in on my roommate having a smoke in the shower, even though we live in a strictly non-smoking apartment. He said it was okay because “steam mixed with smoke cancels out the harshness of it”. FML

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of “Amazing Grace” through his stereo. FML

Today, I got a letter from my first ever publisher stating that I am no longer allowed to use them to publish my work. It turns out my roommate stole my new children’s book and sent it in under her own name before I finished the edits. They think I stole it from her. FML

Today, after returning to my dorm room having stayed the night at a friend’s, I found my roommate sleeping in my bed. When I woke her up, she confessed that since she couldn’t find any tampons the night before and didn’t want to get any blood in her bed, she decided to sleep in mine instead. FML

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML