Posts Tagged ‘roommate’

Today, I lost my job because I was late. I was late because I had no alarm. I had no alarm because my roommate got mad and broke my phone when I beat her at scrabble. FML

Today, I got lost trying to walk back to my new apartment. I finally ended up sitting on a curb, crying, and waiting for three hours for my roommate to get off work, before a stranger asked what was wrong. Turns out my apartment was three blocks away the whole time. FML

Today, my friend dared me to wrestle his roommate who is 4 inches shorter and 40lbs less than me, so I did. Now I have a bloody rug burn on my face and a pounding headache. What I didn’t know was that his roommate is a wrestling coach and a former state champion. FML

Today, I got my cable bill in the mail. It looks like my roommate decided to go on a porn binge and ordered almost $200 worth of porn last month. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to put peanut butter in my roommate’s ears. He thought it would be funny to shave off my eyebrows later while I was sleeping. FML

Today, I heard my roommate complaining about me not cleaning the bathtub after I shower. What I can’t tell her is that I haven’t taken a shower in 2 days because I’ve been swamped with schoolwork and that the filth in the tub is her own. FML

Today, after months of having my roommate take my food from my mini-fridge, I decided to put a lock on it. Today, I also found that he is determined enough to smash the door hinges off the refrigerator for a glass of milk. FML

Today, I just found out my roommate wears my underwear because he’s too lazy to wash his clothes. FML

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, I didn’t want to wakeup my boyfriend who was asleep so I slept in my roommate’s room as she was out and not in her room. I went to my room to get ready for work and found them naked in bed together. FML

Today, my roommate put his knob in the peanut butter. FML