Posts Tagged ‘she-asked’

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn’t think of anything. FML

Today, I told my best friend that I was pregnant and that I really needed her support. Shocked, she asked me who the father was. She then called me a backstabbing whore and stormed off. Apparently she is jealous that I had sex with a boy who turned her down a year ago. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, “What are the cupcakes for?” FML

Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML

Today, I had an elderly woman come up to me and tell me how well pull off the look of being bald. She said that most women can’t look attractive without hair. Then she asked me if I had cancer. I had to explain to her that I am, in fact, a man, and I shave my head because I’m a swimmer. FML

Today, I found out I was dating the wrong girl for me. After 9 months of dating and just getting engaged, she asked to see my license so she could find out her new last name. She didn’t know my last name. FML

Today, when I answered the door, the cops were at my doorstep accusing me of hitting my teenage daughter. It seems that my daughter got mad at me for not wanting to give her a ride to a party because I was too tired, so she asked her boyfriend to punch her in the eye so she could get back at me. FML

Today, I decided I was going to play a prank on my little sister. I tied a rubber band around the sink nozzle, so that when you turn the water on, you get soaked. Later on in the day, she asked me to get her a glass of water. I’d forgotten all about the prank, and received a huge splash of water. FML

Today, I went to the physician to check my rear because it was hurting. my usual doctor wasn’t available, so he was replaced by a gorgeous woman with big cleavage. when she asked me to pull down my pants, she saw that I had a huge hard on. FML.

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her “the usual”. She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, “Why not? Aren’t fat people always hungry?” FML

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave eachother’s side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML