Today, my husband and I were filling out forms for life insurance. We were talking about beneficiaries, and we both picked our daughter. My amount is 500,000 dollars, and my husband’s is one million. When we told our daughter this, she started laughing devilishly. FML
Today, my super-religious virgin girlfriend decided that she’ll give me a blow job. Once I was unzipped, she started to actually BLOW on my penis. FML
Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she’d attended weeks of of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML
Today, after months of living with my roommate’s horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML
Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML
Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, “I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear…” When she started to walk away, she added, “…and a gym membership.” FML
Today, I found mold growing in my 17 year old step-daughter’s bathroom. Upon gently asking her to clean it, she started crying and told my wife that I yelled at her and called her a slut. My wife took her shopping to cheer her up. I’m in the doghouse, and stuck cleaning her bathroom. FML
Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn’t paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML
Today, an older woman came to my family’s garage sale. Whilst my parents went to get change for her purchase, she started telling me about her lifelong dream to dance at a bar with nothing but tassels on her nipples. FML
Today, my science class had a substitute teacher. When she started doing roll call and called out my name, she wouldn’t believe that a girl could be named Devon, and accused me of covering for another student. I was given detention, and my parents were called and told about my “disruptive behaviour”. FML
Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn’t hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML
Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were using our skype accounts for the first time. He went to the restroom and I thought that I’d surprise him with my clothes off for when he came back. I heard him walk back into the room so I got into position. It wasn’t him. It was his mom. FML
Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML