Posts Tagged ‘sister’

Today, it’s my sister’s birthday. My parents got her a cat. I have serious allergies when it comes to cats. When I brought this issue up with my parents, they replied, “This day is not about you, it’s about your sister.” I can feel my throat tightening already. FML

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he’d thought I’d tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

Today, after weeks, I’ve finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I’m anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

Today, I was at my sister’s wedding reception. My boyfriend of 3 years decided to give a toast to the happy couple. He was drunk and confessed his undying love to my sister. FML

Today, I got dressed up for a party. I didn’t notice until after I’d applied my makeup that my sister had swapped out my lip gloss with lip plumper. I’m sure to be a real hit with burning lips to complete my swollen duckface. FML

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend’s band have become quite popular on youtube. My friends and my sister won’t stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him and are saying how much better off he’ll be without me and how horrible I am. FML

Today, my sister drove passed me while i was walking home in the rain, she honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy’s. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, “This is Sparta!” I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, “Mommy’s fat and we still give her food.” FML

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

Today, my sister and I spent the afternoon watching The Princess and the Frog. We spent the rest of the day violently arguing over how hot the animated prince was. FML

Today, my sister and I both got “good luck” cards for our aunt wishing us well on our exams. My sister’s said “We know you will do well”. Mine said “We will love you no matter what happens”. FML

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister’s name. I don’t think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

Today, my sister was bored and started swinging a golf club around her head. I had to ask her a question, and thinking once she heard my voice she’d put the club down, I walked towards her. She hit me straight in the mouth with the putter, knocking my front teeth out. FML

Today, I found out my sister is getting married and asked if I could help in any way. She said “No thanks, we’re going to have it done by a professional wedding planner.” I’m a professional wedding planner. FML