Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents’ house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML
Today, I was out to eat at a fancy restaurant with my girlfriend. I planned the whole proposal to have the ring come out on a breadstick. She picks the breadstick up, throws the ring under the table in disgust, and eats the breadstick. FML
Today, while working at a restaurant I work at, I saw my boyfriend walk in and sit down at a table that I was supposed to wait on. Surprised, I ran up to his table and gave him a really big hug. He looked at me like I was psycho and then introduced me to his beautiful wife who was behind me. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend’s drink. All over my pants. FML
Today, at the restaurant with my sons, I reprimanded them for misbehaving. “Sit down and play with your balls” I yelled as they had those super balls from the vending machine. Oblivious, it was only after the table of fine women next to ours started cracking up that I realized what I had said. FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML
Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I’d promised to help her prepare for a maths test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, “Oh, I didn’t know you were here!” I’d slept in the same bed with him last night. FML
Today, I had to share a bedroom with my grandma. In the night, I got thirsty. It was pitch black, but I could just make out the glass of water on the table. I started drinking it and then realised my grandma’s dentures were in it. FML
Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML
Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I’d also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML
Today, at a restaurant, I was joking around trying to make my friend laugh by pretending to be a ninja. I did this by putting my napkin in front of my face. I happened to look over at another table and saw that a lady wearing a burqa was giving me the most evil glare I have ever seen in my life. FML
Today, I went to Dairy Queen with some friends, and the cashier was being completely rude. When I was done eating, I spit on the table, knowing that she had to clean it. She walked past me afterward and said, “That’s okay. I spit in your food.” FML
Today, I was going through training for my new job in a group home. We were learning how to block punches and break holds. After successfully blocking my instructor’s punches three times in a row, I turned around to get a drink of water, tripped over my own feet and cracked my head on the table. FML
Today, while working as a waiter, I was clearing plates off a table. Something suddenly scurried across the table. Thinking it was a spider, I shrieked loudly in front of the whole restaurant. It was an escaped pea. FML