Posts Tagged ‘the-alarm’

Today, my dad threw my $300 dollar iTouch out the window. Apparently the alarm went off and he didn’t know how to turn it off. It was his solution. FML

Today, I went shopping with my son. When I passed by the alarm gates, they rang. It came to my attention that my five year old son stuck an anti-theft device in his pants. Security thinks I tried to have him shoplift for me. FML

Today, somehow my co-workers forgot that I was in the office, and turned on the alarm and left. I didn’t realize this until I stood up half an hour later, which triggered the motion sensor. FML

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I am now 20 minutes late for work. FML

Today, I was taking a shower and the glass sliding door was jammed. I tugged it, and it shattered all over me. I was naked. FML

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

Today, after having sex several times, my romantic boyfriend went down on me. He took one lick before exclaiming “ugh! gross! ew! oh that tastes disgusting!” FML

Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it “Have a purrrrfect birthday.” Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML

Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML

Today, I was walking through the streets with my best friend, feeling confident in my new skinny jeans. My friend said, “you really should be wearing a thong with those pants, your underwear line is showing”. I was wearing a thong, those lines were just my fat rolls. FML

Today, while at work (I work in Maintenance), I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. it wasn’t until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn’t find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to ‘sound the horn’ and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I’m a guy. FML