Posts Tagged ‘the-bathroom’

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

Today, I was in the bathroom at the airport when I noticed I’d run out of toilet paper. I tried to reach under the next stall to grab some, when someone held my hand and said, “Two can play at this game” in a perverted voice. All I wanted was toilet paper. FML

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, “Honey, what did you make me for dinner?” FML

Today, my grandma got up at 6:30am, clattered about the bathroom then sang religious songs at the top of her voice for half an hour. Apparently this is her normal routine, weekends included. She is staying with us for a month. FML.

Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn’t find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else’s fresh vomit. FML

Today, my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time. He picked up something in the bathroom and said ‘What the hell’s this?’. I told him what it was for, and he said ‘You girls and your weird female products. Who needs all this stuff?’. It wasn’t a female thing. It was shampoo. FML

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

Today, I noticed that whenever my step-daughters take a dump in the bathroom, they deliberately leave the seat up so my wife thinks I did it. FML

Today, I had severe diarrhea while at a shopping center. I barely made it to the bathroom, and exploded as I was in the process of sitting down. It splashed onto the wall and the back of the toilet. After cleaning the wall and rejoining my wife, she let me know I had shit up my back. FML

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That’s how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML

Today, I was using the bathroom at a mall. I noticed a broom starting to sweep under the stall door. It stopped suddenly and I looked up just in time to see the janitor looking through the crack of the stall, notice I was in there, and walk off. FML

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette’s. FML