Posts Tagged ‘the-cat’

Today, I painted my daughter’s bedroom. When I wasn’t paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

Today, I witnessed my dog eat my cat’s poop, throw up the cat poop, then eat the resulting mixture. FML

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

Today, it is my birthday. So far I have received: the news that my parents are divorcing, a dead bird and a pile of shit left on my bed (courtesy of the cat), a rash all over my face, and some slippers from my boyfriend. FML

Today, my dad walked in on me singing “Bohemian Rhapsody”, while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that the they passed through my cat to get there. FML

Today, I found out what I look like drunk and naked while swinging a tennis racket thanks to a picture message forwarded to just about everyone I know and some I don’t. Among the numbers the text was sent to was a familiar one. My mom’s. FML

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn’t wearing a shirt. FML

Today, I started writing a paper at 11PM. I was falling asleep so I made tea to keep me awake. After I finished it, I went to put the box away and realized that I had just drank “Sleepytime” caffeine-free tea. I may as well have taken a sedative. FML

Today, I got an email from the company that manages my Cat’s microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat “Coral” as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat’s signature. FML

Today, my mother’s beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML