Posts Tagged ‘the-couch’

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we’ve never slept together. FML

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, “You’re blocking the TV.” FML

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I’ve been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my “single” neighbor, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, “It’s okay, my husband can fix it.” Husband? FML

Today, while I was super gluing some stuff, I got quite a bit of the glue on my hand. Not thinking, I rubbed my hand on the couch to get it off. My left hand was stuck to the couch for two hours until my husband came home. I’m missing some skin. FML

Today, when I took a nap on the couch, a spider crawled into my mouth. How do I know? My boyfriend filmed it and laughed. FML

Today, I decided that the only way of getting my brother off the couch was to tickle him off. Apparently, he was more ticklish than I thought, and kicked me in the nose. Now, along with bruising, I can’t breathe out of my left nostril. FML

Today, I woke up surrounded by several people. I soon realized that my parents were hosting a party. I slept on the couch, naked, and under a white blanket. They didn’t bother waking me. FML

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, “Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn’t like her?” It wasn’t my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

Today, when my girlfriend asked how much I loved her, I jokingly answered, “I love you more than ketchup.” Apparently, she didn’t like being compared to a condiment, even one as amazing as ketchup. I’ll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

Today, my husband and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV. I was enjoying myself and feeling pleased with how sweet he was being, when out of nowhere he flipped me over, grabbed my breasts and yelled “ME CONQUER WOMAN!” FML

Today, my dad broke into my house and tried to steal my TV while he was drunk. I found him passed out on the couch and my TV on the floor. FML

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, I didn’t want to wakeup my boyfriend who was asleep so I slept in my roommate’s room as she was out and not in her room. I went to my room to get ready for work and found them naked in bed together. FML

Today, when I came home from school, I saw my brother sitting on the couch being yelled at by my parents. It turns out that he was caught having it off in school. He is in middle school and I am in high school. My boyfriend still refuses to get naked with me. I’m a virgin and my little brother isn’t. FML