Posts Tagged ‘the-first’

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss insisted that I looked so tired and ill, that he sent me home. FML

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I’d remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

Today, my wife walked in on me making out with my pillow. This wasn’t the first time she’s left our bedroom laughing during an intimate moment. FML

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, “Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!” FML

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

Today, I went horseback riding for the first time to conquer my fear of horses. The horse I was riding rolled over on top of me, breaking my leg. FML

Today, I asked my friend what form of birth control she used the first time she had sex. She stared at me like I was from another planet and said, “You can’t get pregnant the first time…” This moron is my best friend. FML

Today, my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time. He picked up something in the bathroom and said ‘What the hell’s this?’. I told him what it was for, and he said ‘You girls and your weird female products. Who needs all this stuff?’. It wasn’t a female thing. It was shampoo. FML

Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

Today, I was driving with my mother. The ride was 2 hours long. For the first hour, she talked about how uncomfortable sex is the first time. For the second, she talked about how I should take accordion lessons. FML

Today, I got asked if I had the capacity to take on extra work, all because I actually took a lunch break so they figured I must be less busy. I was gone half an hour for the first time in weeks. FML