Posts Tagged ‘the-first’

Today, after making out with my girlfriend for the first time, I took down my pants only to have her say,’ Eww, what’re those drooping sacks? They look like tumours.’ She was serious. FML

Today, my parents met my fiancée’s parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad’s story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I’ve been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

Today, my boyfriend came to my house drunk at 1 AM to meet my mom for the first time. Too bad he was knocked unconscious before she met him because she thought he was a burglar. FML

Today, the first step I took this morning resulted in a blood-gushing cut on my foot. FML

Today, I finally got around to doing laundry. The washing machines in my condominium building take about an hour to do a load. When I returned to throw my clothes in a dryer, I realized they were never washed in the first place. I used my card and detergent to pay for another person’s laundry. FML

Today, my new window cleaner came to clean the windows of my house. Seeing the first window of the top floor, he decided to start there. The first window of the top floor is my toilet. I was having a poo. FML

Today, I was getting off with someone for the first time. I came in my pants as soon as my tongue went in her mouth. FML

Today, I decided I needed to loose a little weight, so I thought the house stairs would work well for some step-ups. At the first attempt, the step buckled under my weight and snapped clean in half. FML