FML Today » the-first

robertsonjimmy says FML

admin — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 08:21:21 +0000

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

FreshFaced says FML

admin — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 18:29:44 +0000

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss insisted that I looked so tired and ill, that he sent me home. FML

satisfied88 says FML

admin — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 18:33:59 +0000

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I’d remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

Jon says FML

admin — Mon, 23 May 2011 21:29:22 +0000

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

Anonn says FML

admin — Sun, 22 May 2011 08:37:49 +0000

Today, my wife walked in on me making out with my pillow. This wasn’t the first time she’s left our bedroom laughing during an intimate moment. FML

whytoday says FML

admin — Sat, 14 May 2011 10:44:04 +0000

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

Kebabjoon says FML

admin — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 14:27:21 +0000

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

Proprepourtant says FML

admin — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 14:27:09 +0000

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, “Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!” FML

scottskidee says FML

admin — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 23:12:10 +0000

Today, I had my girlfriend drive me to go buy a motorcycle. I rode it 50 minutes home, got in the drive way, put the kick stand down, and then lost my balance and fell on the other side. I paid $3000 to drop it in the first hour and break the turn signal off. FML

City-girl says FML

admin — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 08:34:03 +0000

Today, I went horseback riding for the first time to conquer my fear of horses. The horse I was riding rolled over on top of me, breaking my leg. FML

Thatslife says FML

admin — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 01:08:04 +0000

Today, I asked my friend what form of birth control she used the first time she had sex. She stared at me like I was from another planet and said, “You can’t get pregnant the first time…” This moron is my best friend. FML

cleangirl says FML

admin — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 11:42:33 +0000

Today, my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time. He picked up something in the bathroom and said ‘What the hell’s this?’. I told him what it was for, and he said ‘You girls and your weird female products. Who needs all this stuff?’. It wasn’t a female thing. It was shampoo. FML

aldfgadfklbg says FML

admin — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 08:28:46 +0000

Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

bitchasaurusrex says FML

admin — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 08:42:41 +0000

Today, I was driving with my mother. The ride was 2 hours long. For the first hour, she talked about how uncomfortable sex is the first time. For the second, she talked about how I should take accordion lessons. FML

floodncyclones says FML

admin — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 16:01:26 +0000

Today, I got asked if I had the capacity to take on extra work, all because I actually took a lunch break so they figured I must be less busy. I was gone half an hour for the first time in weeks. FML

Frida says FML

admin — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 19:32:15 +0000

Today, I went on a date and got called beautiful by a guy for the first time ever. The date was actually between my friend and this other guy, I was just there to decrease the awkwardness. And the guy who called me beautiful? That was the taxi driver. FML

hollysofly says FML

admin — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 19:54:31 +0000

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

y21 says FML

admin — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 12:23:54 +0000

Today, I rode a bike for the first time in 10 years. Into a bus. FML

sunburntinwinter says FML

admin — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 01:20:53 +0000

Today, I decided to go tanning for the first time in a while. I only went for nine minutes so I wouldn’t get burnt. As I was leaving, the worker informed me that they’d just put new bulbs in, so I might be a little darker than I’d anticipated. I’m now so burnt, I can barely walk. FML

katy says FML

admin — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 23:02:15 +0000

Today, my husband ran at me, groaning like a zombie. I was so startled that I screamed, punched him, and started sobbing. Now he won’t talk to me because this is ‘the first step on the road of domestic violence’. FML