Posts Tagged ‘the-floor’

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I’d thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

Today, I was so sick that I was puking and had the runs. While on the toilet, I yelled for my boyfriend to get me a bowl to puke in. As I did so, I saw that a ton of it was forming on the floor in dots. My boyfriend had given me a spaghetti strainer. FML

Today, I was grabbed, had a bag shoved over my head and my wrists bound, all before being dragged away into darkness. Then I woke up with a start to find myself on the floor, in the middle of a history lecture, screaming bloody murder at my classmates. FML

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom’s flooded. FML

Today, I saw some bubble wrap on the floor and I got really excited. When I went to pick it up, I realized that it was just plastic wrap. It was the worst part of my day. FML

Today, I dropped my Xanax. It wasn’t until after I washed it down with some water that I realized it was still on the floor and I had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter. FML

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

Today, I bought my 4 year old son a rubber centipede toy. Later, I noticed that when turned inside out, it looks exactly like a penis. Sure enough, I walk in on him on the floor stroking his face with his “new favourite happy toy”. FML

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he’d accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML

Today, I babysat my neighbour’s spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML

Today, I’m a dancer for Walt Disney World Parades. When I got to my break room, there was not enough chairs for everyone. I had to sit on the floor, which hasn’t been cleaned since who-knows-when. This is a multi-billion dollar company and we can’t afford chairs? I have to sit on the floor? FML

Today, after I got off work, as I walked into the house, I noticed something running across the floor towards me and out of complete terror I kicked it halfway across my living room, not knowing what it was. Turns out it was my roommate’s new puppy. FML