Posts Tagged ‘the-time’

DMitch says FML

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay the bill, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn’t come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, “It’s over”. FML

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Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)

-_- says FML

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog’s owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

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Rating: 4.9/5 (11 votes cast)

nicki says FML

Sunday, November 14th, 2010

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

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Rating: 4.7/5 (3 votes cast)

unsatisfying says FML

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

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Rating: 4.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Gearhead369 says FML

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. If that wasn’t bad enough I had no spare in the car. By the time I got a ride to get a new tire, someone was nice enough to fix my air conditioning for me. They smashed out my window to break in. The doors were not locked. FML

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Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

maggotsinmycarpet says FML

Monday, July 12th, 2010

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

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Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

SirPimPim says FML

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: “Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world.” My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

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Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)

baconandmarmite says FML

Monday, June 7th, 2010

Today, my girlfriend complained I wasn’t ‘affectionate’ enough and never showed her I love her, so I took her to the cinema to see the film she’d been going on about for weeks. I lent over to kiss her and she got pissed with me, because apparently it wasn’t ‘the time or the place.’ FML

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Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

adele_khan says FML

Monday, March 29th, 2010

Today, my new puppy ate my dental floss. At the time it was funny, but the fun was ruined when I had to pull the floss, one inch at a time, out of her rectum. FML

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Rating: 4.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Titi14 says FML

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML

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Rating: 4.5/5 (6 votes cast)

notaguidette says FML

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you’re wrong. At this rate I’ll be 200 pounds by the time I’m twenty. FML

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Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

rainydays79 says FML

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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Rating: 1.0/5 (1 vote cast)

noluckwhatsoever says FML

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

Today, after months of job hunting, I got a call back for a position. I was outside at the time and had no pen or paper available to write the address down. I told the guy to call me back in 5 minutes and he agreed. It’s been 3 hours and still no call. FML

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Rating: 4.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Snowzies says FML

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML

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Rating: 5.0/5 (6 votes cast)

BeautifulDisastre says FML

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle’s birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny’s. I drove eight hours for a Denny’s. FML

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Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)

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