FML Today » the-time

DMitch says FML

admin — Sun, 15 May 2011 22:36:25 +0000

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay the bill, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn’t come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, “It’s over”. FML

-_- says FML

admin — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 04:54:14 +0000

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog’s owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

nicki says FML

admin — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 22:49:39 +0000

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

unsatisfying says FML

admin — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 14:28:15 +0000

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

Gearhead369 says FML

admin — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 10:19:50 +0000

Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. If that wasn’t bad enough I had no spare in the car. By the time I got a ride to get a new tire, someone was nice enough to fix my air conditioning for me. They smashed out my window to break in. The doors were not locked. FML

maggotsinmycarpet says FML

admin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 23:56:11 +0000

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

SirPimPim says FML

admin — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:50:30 +0000

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: “Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world.” My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

baconandmarmite says FML

admin — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 11:00:08 +0000

Today, my girlfriend complained I wasn’t ‘affectionate’ enough and never showed her I love her, so I took her to the cinema to see the film she’d been going on about for weeks. I lent over to kiss her and she got pissed with me, because apparently it wasn’t ‘the time or the place.’ FML

adele_khan says FML

admin — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 08:27:44 +0000

Today, my new puppy ate my dental floss. At the time it was funny, but the fun was ruined when I had to pull the floss, one inch at a time, out of her rectum. FML

Titi14 says FML

admin — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 22:19:38 +0000

Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML

notaguidette says FML

admin — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 14:47:42 +0000

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you’re wrong. At this rate I’ll be 200 pounds by the time I’m twenty. FML

rainydays79 says FML

admin — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 14:12:25 +0000

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

noluckwhatsoever says FML

admin — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 11:44:38 +0000

Today, after months of job hunting, I got a call back for a position. I was outside at the time and had no pen or paper available to write the address down. I told the guy to call me back in 5 minutes and he agreed. It’s been 3 hours and still no call. FML

Snowzies says FML

admin — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 08:42:19 +0000

Today, it was snowing really badly, so my boss said that everyone who drove to work could leave. But because I got the bus in, she said that I should stay and do a full day. By the time she eventually decided it was bad enough for me to leave, the buses were cancelled. FML

BeautifulDisastre says FML

admin — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 05:24:45 +0000

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle’s birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny’s. I drove eight hours for a Denny’s. FML

jordigs says FML

admin — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:46:25 +0000

Today, the elderly couple next door asked me to cut down a tree in their yard. It turns out they told me to cut down the wrong tree, and I cut down the tree they got married under. They now hate me and tell me they plan to sue me for damage to property. FML

lois2lane says FML

admin — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 02:15:19 +0000

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

Icy says FML

admin — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:59:47 +0000

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, “Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it’s because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%.” FML

egged says FML

admin — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:43:22 +0000

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying “Sorry, wrong house”. FML

Non-active says FML

admin — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:22:10 +0000

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don’t participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won’t call on me cause he can’t pronounce my name. FML