Today, while driving, a minivan cut me off. Pissed, I started honking and cursing. I then went ballistic when the driver waved out the window, smiling. It wasn’t until I was at a stoplight that I noticed their “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. FML
Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn’t make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML
Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML
Today, I was at a party when I had to take a piss. When I was done, I discovered the door had been jammed. I tried to go out the window, but got stuck instead. My friends then went on either sides of the window and took off with my clothes. When I finally got free, I had to beg for my clothes back, with only a beer bottle covering my junk. FML
Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her overprotective dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML
Today, I was helping my mom with our horse stable. I was done with my work and leaned up against a wall to talk to her. All of the window shutters are suppose to be attached to the wall, I leaned under the only one that wasn’t. The 50lb shutter came down and hit me in the face. FML
Today, I got pulled over and was given a $100 ticket for littering. The “litter” that the cop saw me toss out the window was actually a stray hair of mine that I had picked off my shoulder. He didn’t believe me. FML.
Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car so we could listen to it when we were in the car. It took me ages to find just the right songs, and I thought it would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out, rolled down the window, then threw it out the window. FML
Today, I got trapped in the kitchen due to the faulty door getting jammed. I then had to jump out the window with a large knife and screwdrivers so I could run round and open the door from the other side. All my neighbours now think my mum is trying to kill me. FML
Today, I put out a ton of catnip for my new cats, hoping it would finally lure them out of hiding. I left and came back to find the catnip gone, the couch shredded, the curtains ripped from the window, my best wineglasses broken and cat piss in my laundry. I guess they came out. FML
Today, I was pulled over by a cop. I wasn’t feeling so good and as soon as he came to the window, I vomited all over him. FML
Today, someone thought it would be fun to throw their scorching hot coffee out the window onto the sidewalk. It hit me in the snow globes. FML
Today, I just got out of the hospital, where I was recovering because on April fools day, my mom thought it would be funny to fill the house with smoke, tell me it was on fire, causing me to jump out the window, hitting my head on a pot. I love you too mommy. FML
Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML
Today, I laughed so hard my milk went out my nose in front of the boy I liked. Then, since I was laughing so hard about that, I accidently farted. FML