Posts Tagged ‘toilet’

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn’t hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use “The Force” to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and “Shit happens” written on the wall in lipstick. FML

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

Today, holding my drunken friend’s hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party, she says, crying, “Y’don’t have to doooo this…” I told her that that’s what friends are for. She replied, “Yeah, but still, I did sleep with your boyfriend…” FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend’s and didn’t want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I’d sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

Today, my dad hid the toilet paper and is charging me 50 cents a roll. FML

Today, I was so sick that I was puking and had the runs. While on the toilet, I yelled for my boyfriend to get me a bowl to puke in. As I did so, I saw that a ton of it was forming on the floor in dots. My boyfriend had given me a spaghetti strainer. FML

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, “That’ll teach ya!” FML

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend’s present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house busted, soaked the bathroom, and sent water dripping down into the kitchen and basement for hours while no one was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees, and I can’t leave. FML

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML