Today, my boyfriend & I were having sex. While we were fooling around, he said “Tell me you’re my soulmate.” Touched, I looked at him lovingly & told him that of course I was his soulmate. He said “Huh?” I repeated it. There was silence for a moment and then he said “I said slut, not soulmate.” FML.
Today, I thought I’d pull a prank on my dad. Usually at stoplights, I tell him to go when it turns green because he doesn’t pay attention. I told him to go at red today. Little did I know the county sheriff was in the lane next to me. My dad has a short temper. FML
Today, I hit a chicken with my car, because it ran out in front of me and I didn’t see it coming. I decided to be a good person and tell the owner. When I rang the doorbell and told him what happened, he slapped me across the face. FML
Today, my boss fired me because he said I was spending too much time surfing the internet. When I reminded him that my work computer isn’t even networked, he said, “Oh, sorry, you’re the one who takes too many smoke breaks.” When I told him that I don’t even smoke, he said, “Just go…” FML
Today, my boyfriend went to the pub after work again. When I told him how much I hate coming home to a cold, dark house, he told me to turn a light on in the morning before I go to work. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend’s house, I was using his computer. I noticed something strange kept touching my thigh, so I looked under the desk to see what it was. In horror, I saw there was a bunch of old boogers. When I told him about it, all he said was, “Oh yeah, that’s my collection.” FML
Today, I was at a meeting, and it was extremely cold. When it was over, I let out a sigh of relief. A co-worker of mine asked why I was so relieved, and when I told him it was because I was cold, he laughed and said loudly for all to hear, “We could tell, you could cut glass with those nipples.” FML
Today, my dad and I did some much needed yard work. We noticed there were a lot of hornets around, but he made nothing of it. I told him there was a nest just above the barbecue and asked him not to disturb it, because I’m really allergic. He wasn’t convinced I was. An hour in the ER proved him wrong. FML
Today, I had to get up for a job interview. When my boyfriend left, he closed the bedroom door. I told him not to do that, because the door doesn’t open. When I got up, I tried to open the door. Pulling the door super hard, it opened, and hit me in the face. FML
Today, my son told me he was gay. I told him that was fine and was proud of him for being himself. He replied, “Oh, I was hoping you would reject me and tell me to never speak to you again.” FML