Posts Tagged ‘wife’

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first in in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn’t reach it. FML

Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who’s been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I’d finally kick her “useless ass to the curb.” We have to spend the holidays together. FML

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn’t go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

Today, my father-in-law told my husband that I’m sleeping with his best friend. I’m not. My husband laughed and said, “Have you seen my wife? No one else will take her.” FML

Today, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She’d actually started dating another man a few months ago, but she wanted to drag our marriage out as long as possible just in case her new relationship fell through. FML

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I’m deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can’t take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

Today, my wife walked in on me making out with my pillow. This wasn’t the first time she’s left our bedroom laughing during an intimate moment. FML

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister’s name. I don’t think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn’t because she had her period. She’s two months pregnant. FML

Today, my recently single 23 year old daughter decided to crash my very expensive, very romantic 25th wedding anniversary cruise by guilt tripping my wife into letting her come with us, all expenses paid. FML

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML