Today, I found mold growing in my 17 year old step-daughter’s bathroom. Upon gently asking her to clean it, she started crying and told my wife that I yelled at her and called her a slut. My wife took her shopping to cheer her up. I’m in the doghouse, and stuck cleaning her bathroom. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has a secret stash of money hidden from me to fuel her secret obsession of helping hobos. FML
Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife’s earrings that I’d had specially made for her in the backseat. FML
Today, my wife and I were having sex on our patio. Afterwards, I fell asleep, still naked. It really sucks waking up to a sunburn on your balls. FML
Today, I got the raise I’d been waiting for a long time. Later, I went home and told my wife and kids the news. As I was telling them, my daughter starts to laugh. Confused, I ask why she’s laughing. She then explains that she makes more money than me, and she works as a barber in the mall. FML
Today, my dad accidentally texted me a sexual message that was suppose to go to his girlfriend. I then had to tell my mom, his wife of 30 years, that my dad was having an affair. FML
Today, a man, who I thought was a total stranger, ran up to my wife while we were at the super market and proposed to her. Turns out it was her lover. She said yes. FML
Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML
Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to “drink the bubbly.” I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife’s face. FML
Today, my wife and I had sex for the first time in a month. It lasted 2 minutes. Afterwards, she said “Ugh. This is why we only have sex once a month.” I lasted only 2 minutes because we only have sex once a month. FML