Posts Tagged ‘windows’

Today, I came home to find my dad’s mid-life crisis has finally started. He’s blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he’s been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML

Today, I had a graded performance in my drama class. I had to play a murderer in an interrogation room. I got really into it and started pounding on the windows to try to “escape”. The thin glass smashed. Four hours in casualty, stitches and plastic surgery pretty much sum up my mood. FML

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I’ve been flirting with for months. Immediately after he gave me the ‘let’s just be friends’ speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, “Mom they’re swallowing each other!” FML

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, “Suck on this Darren”. Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, “I bet you don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” FML

Today, I rented a 4×4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren’t allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

Today, my new window cleaner came to clean the windows of my house. Seeing the first window of the top floor, he decided to start there. The first window of the top floor is my toilet. I was having a poo. FML

Today, I was driving down the road with my windows down when a wasp flew in through the window, stinging me in the face. I’m highly allergic to wasps. While flailing about, a cop saw and pulled me over and gave me a ticket for reckless driving while half of my face was swelling up. FML

Today, I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. FML

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

Today I was driving on the freeway. I shut my windows and sunroof when I started to feel heavy rain hitting me in the face and shoulder. I was confused by the rain because the sun was bright and there was blue, cloudless sky. Then I saw the large trash truck in front of me spewing “trash juice”. FML

Today, I let my mother use my computer for school work. Later that day my mom asks me what’s wrong with the computer. I look at it, only seeing a “Welcome to Windows XP” screen. She said that she saw a blue screen and pressed L and C when it asked her to. My mom managed to clear my hard drive. FML

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he’s gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML