Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shoots straight up my nose and I had the worst nose bleed of my life. FML
Today, my head has been killing me. I’ve had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML
Today, the bus came to pick up my daughter to take her to kindergarten. When it honked, I opened the door for her to let her run out to it. Halfway there she tripped and started crying. I couldn’t run out because I was still in my underwear. Now her bus thinks I’m the worst mom ever. FML
Today, I married a wonderful man. Even though both of us were no longer virgins, we decided to wait until marriage to sleep together. He just told me I was the worst he’s ever had. FML
Today, I saw some bubble wrap on the floor and I got really excited. When I went to pick it up, I realized that it was just plastic wrap. It was the worst part of my day. FML
Today, I got chickenpox. I’m 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn’t going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, “That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard. Adults don’t get chickenpox.” He then fired me. FML
Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese’s PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML
Today, I went to the nurses office because my stomach hurt. She looked at me and said sympathetically, “Aren’t menstrual cramps the worst? There’s a cot in the back, hun.” She must’ve mistaken me for a girl with my long hair, because I’m a boy. FML
Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend’s family. As if it wasn’t awkward enough, his mom and sister decided to wear matching dresses in different colors. The even weirder part? I was wearing the same dress in a third color. The family voted that I looked the worst. FML
Today, I couldn’t sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn’t kick my cat out of bed because I am an unemployed college student, who earlier today had an argument with my brother in sixth grade over which of us the cat loved more. FML
Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy, and the first morning I’m home, my entire region gets hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML
Today, I was having an in depth discussion with my girlfriends father about how corrupt journalists are and how our town’s paper is the worst paper on the planet. After insulting basically everything about the newspaper, I asked him what he did for a living. He’s the editor of the newspaper. FML
Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it’d be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML
Today, I found out my husband of 10 years has a online blog. Excited to read about myself, I began skimming, only to find out that every entry is him explaining how he let his “soulmate” walk away 9 years ago because of his “previous commitment” and how he regrets it every day. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went on a 1 day cruise to the Bahamas. It happened to be on the same day of the worst sailing conditions. We spent 6 hours throwing up together. Him into the sink, and me into the toilet. We spent $200 to see the inside of our cabin’s bathroom. FML